how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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