Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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