he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Two words: blizzard sex
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