He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
