but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
