So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
