why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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