My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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