I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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