i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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