3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
