Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Did I show you my penis last night?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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