Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
