where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
His hands were made for my vagina.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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