You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
