the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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