The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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