I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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