so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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