Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
