Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
