An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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