were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
