someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
