I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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