I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
