11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
