The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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