I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
