and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
