nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
