I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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