I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think I just sharted jello shots
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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