1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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