I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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