She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
