I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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