sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
