I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
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It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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