Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
