Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
