mondays should just be called national damage control day
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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