I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
