Soap is not a condiment
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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