I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
