I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
