I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
