i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
