shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
