I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
