It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
