Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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