i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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