Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
