happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
