So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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