just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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