I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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