**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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